Living through a traumatic event in life can sometimes make you feel isolated and alone, it can make you feel ashamed or afraid to reach out for help; fear of being misunderstood or ridiculed can cause you to shut down. I know this because I have been through the process numerous times, having to reinvent myself each time.
Growing up with an alcoholic father and emotionally distant mother caused verbal abuse and neglect for my siblings and I daily, which got worse as we got older. At the age of 15, I was told to leave the home I had grown up in and had to quickly learn how to depend on my own survival skills through trial and error with little to no guidance. It wasn’t until 40 years later after intense therapy that I learned, and had some understanding, of the psychological damage that had been done. I believe that damage is the stepping-stone of a lifelong need to please others with the constant drive to prove to myself I’m worth something to someone.
Following that time I was in a relationship with a very abusive partner which included threats to my life, homelessness, and stalking, coupled with a new baby. Even though I was able to leave that relationship many years ago, I still live with residual fear today. Due to the weak stalking laws in my State at that time I worked with State officials to help mandate tougher anti-stalking laws that are the foundation of current laws today.
The following years from that relationship consisted of many difficult challenges including a new relationship with a widower of two young boys who had tragically lost their mother and three siblings in a horrific fire. This led to continuous navigation of family court filings, guardianships, and the constant stream of court attendance. Also, during this time my biological son was showing signs of violence towards others with intense anger issues which resulted in years of school meetings, IEPs, counselors, and police involvement. At the age of 12, he was ultimately removed from the home by authorities to live in a facility that kept him away from the general public until he became an adult.
After my son and step-sons aged out of the court system, I decided to take a year to care for myself, got divorced, and lived on my own for a brief time. I double majored in college and started a new career in the medical field. It was the first time in my life I felt I had choices.
At the age of 42, I finally felt like I had come through the worst and was looking forward to a new future that was big and bright with all the possibilities I had missed.
I met my husband while working at a local hospital in our area nearly 14 years ago. I was determined to take things slow and have fun enjoying what life had to offer, and I allowed myself the first-ever feeling of being in love, and finally getting a chance to know what real happiness felt like.
I began noticing subtle signs after the first few months that something didn’t feel right. I would ask questions for some noticed actions which were deflected from being answered, small arguments would be avoided, and I had the constant feeling something was going on and I wasn’t being told. I was assured and reassured nothing was going on, that I was making something out of nothing, that I was trying to pick fights, and accused of being too controlling. For every question, I asked, or comment I made, it was twisted to prove how I was being unreasonable. I was told every day how much I was loved, how much I meant, and that I was a strong woman for surviving what I had been through. This behavior went on for nearly ten years; the constant unbalance of not knowing if my past was causing me to see things that weren’t there. I have since learned I was gaslighted, manipulated, and psychologically controlled to avoid my spouse’s exposure to his hidden pornography addiction. This was not a process that happened overnight; this took years of him making conscious decisions to hide, deflect, and sometimes blame me for making things worse between us.
There is no way to describe the personal devastation I felt, and I’m sure others have felt when this discovery is made. It was his hope that he could stop, and I would never find out.
To say this broke me is an understatement; it broke me on all levels of being a woman, a wife, and a partner living in a world where looks and fashion rule. The feelings of betrayal became an obsession of constant online searching for answers to why this happened to me. I worked hard, I’m educated, I was loyal and respectful and constantly tried to keep the peace. I kept a clean home and worked hard to be a good wife. For me the confusion and sadness were overbearing. I felt there was nothing left for me to give, but worse there was nothing left of me. I immediately searched for an addiction counselor who specialized in sex addictions and learned the worst of my fears. The fantasizing, the staring, the flirting, the turn downs with intimacy without being able to look in my eyes all started to make sense. This was not in my head; my spouse was in full-blown addiction.
I ultimately became suicidal after the first year of discovery after learning what had been going on. To make matters worse I was told that nothing had been done to me; only to him. He was in steadfast denial he was an addict, and not responsible for the emotional and psychological damage that was done to me. In other words, he was the victim, not the abuser. I learned this is a very common trait with addicts; they are never the cause of their actions or situations.
I recall choosing a quiet date and time to leave the world. I watched the calendar looking forward to the peace I knew was coming but had never had such a feeling of sadness that I couldn’t see a way out. Every day leading up to that date was difficult with hundreds of mixed emotions constantly running through my mind. I was emotionally exhausted, sad, angry, and defeated. On my chosen day I remember waking up and thinking I would enjoy every minute I had left at my chosen time. I recall going outside and smelling the Spring air, looking at the sky and seeing the bright blue with clouds, looking down and literally seeing every blade of grass all while I was holding my dog close to me. I could hear traffic, birds, and sirens in my neighborhood. I could hear and see life still going on around me.
I can’t say when the conscious decision to stay happened in those moments; I just knew it wasn’t my time to go. For every minute that went by my focus was to get to the next minute; that showed me my strength. It was also a turning point.
I have been attending intense counseling since my world fell apart, again, nearly five years ago. Some days are a struggle, and other days not so much. Through hard work and determination, I began thinking of ways to help others like me; others who have been through events in their lives that family and friends may not understand, or who don’t know what direction to go in for help after this devastating discovery. I began researching different avenues that offered women a chance to not only tell their stories in a safe and understanding environment but speak and connect with someone who has been in the same type of situation as them. That is when I stumbled upon trauma recovery coaching.
Betrayal trauma recovery coaching has given me a new purpose. I’ve created a safe space to allow women to open up and tell their stories without the fear of judgment or misunderstanding. I understand the difficulties and strength it has taken to rebuild my life from the devastating effects of betrayal due to a partner’s pornography addiction.
I look forward to walking beside others like me through their journey of healing and rebuilding.