Today I’m writing about gut instincts and our inner voice.
We all have had periods of gut instincts, and most of us usually talk to ourselves through our inner voice nearly constantly without giving it much thought.
But what happens to that inner voice when we get a gut instinct? Do we stop what we’re doing; working or walking or whatever to listen or feel what it has to say and pay attention to how we feel or do we let it pass by like the thousands of other thoughts we have throughout our day?
I am a spouse of a pornography addict. What exactly does that mean? I lived, and still live, under a constant shadow of my inner voice and gut instincts that something was wrong and could still be potentially wrong. My body knew way before my mind and heart that something didn’t feel right almost from the very beginning of our relationship. I saw the constant side looks at other people, the extra long stares, the constant need to flirt and try to get attention from anyone who passed him or even glanced in his direction.
When I would catch him I’d get a side smirk or the split-second look of what I perceived as fear in his eyes. In the beginning, I passed his actions off as nothing; I was being jealous because I didn’t have certain clothes on or certain hair and make-up. I’m a bit of a plain person but always look presentable and respectful of my body. I knew deep down inside there was nothing wrong with me, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was not pretty enough for him or that I wasn’t the person he really wanted to be with; I felt like a fill-in or second choice.
Don’t get me wrong; I worked hard to look what I thought was my best but I’m no supermodel, and quite frankly never wanted to be one, but something just didn’t feel right when I was next to him. This process would take seconds, sometimes longer. It all depended on how fast I caught him.
When I questioned my gut instinct I thought maybe I was overreacting, maybe I really didn’t see what I thought I saw, or maybe I was being overly jealous. My doubt about my feelings and emotions would begin to seep in and I would begin to beat myself into a constant mental battle of whether am I good enough or not, and then every muscle in my body tenses and every thought races in my head; I don’t look like the person he’s watching because I have work clothes on and not tight yoga pants, or I have barn clothes on to go ride my horse and not short shorts and a tight top. The hard part for me was I was happy when I walked out the door dressed and looking the way I looked for whatever it was I was going to be doing until I walked out the door beside my husband.
That shadow of doubt still immediately kicks in, my muscles tighten, and my mind and eyes still dart in every direction until I’m nearly dizzy trying to see who is around and if they are a threat. Over time this became normal to me; the constant feeling of pins and needles throughout my body, my mind in a constant battle with itself if I was being too sensitive or not, and all the while he was trying to hide whatever it was he was doing. I won’t cover the fights and conversations in this post. I’ll start to cover the conversations we would have, and still have today, in upcoming posts, as well as my journey from hitting rock bottom to my slow climb back to life.
Living like this long-term has caused a lot of emotional and psychological damage to both my body and my mind. My mind began to have a deceived reality of what was really going on and whether or not I was making it up, my body was, and still is, under a constant state of fear and ready for “fight or flight” action.
This process didn’t happen overnight, nor did it happen once in a while. This was a constant everyday occurrence that eventually became a part of me and my daily living. It is something I work on now every day to not only come to terms with what happened to me but what I can do to help heal myself. This isn’t something that will go away. This is a part of me that I now have to accept and every day I work on that.
Now I listen to my gut instinct and my inner voice, and I’m learning to trust it. If I feel I am in any situation that may be a threat to me or my well-being I simply walk away from him. I don’t look at it as avoiding the situation; more like I have learned how to move away from my battle of inner thoughts of whether I’m right or wrong. I have found different ways to help stop the thought process and focus on what I’m doing at that time.
I try to connect to my surroundings regardless of where I am. There are times throughout every day that I don’t get some sort of reminder or thought or suspicion. I try very hard not to let the self-doubt creep in and take over because that’s what happened when I didn’t follow my gut instinct or listen to my inner voice from the very beginning of this relationship and it nearly destroyed me.
If you’re seeking betrayal trauma coaching, I am here to help in your journey. Contact Rebuilding Courage today.